Story Critique Project: Protector Part 2

School has ended. In Sheila’s classroom, Sheila packed her things in her bag. Most of her friends had cleared the area. The teacher was cleaning the whiteboard. Sheila walked out the school building. Students were all heading towards the school gate.  At the school gate, cars stopped to pickup students.

Sheila waited at the gate for her parents. She saw one by one of her schoolmates leave as their parents pick them up. She waited 15 minutes and still her parents hasn’t arrive. After 30 minutes still not arrive. After a while she was the only one left.

The engines roared as Tuah stepped on the accelerator in that White proton iswara. His prey was in sight. Sheila standing alone outside the gate. The white iswara sped as it neared Sheila. Sheila was looking away from the car. In the car Tuah braked to a screeching halt. The man in the back seat burst open the car door.

To Shiela it was like a dream or nightmare. She was too shocked to struggle or to even think. She could remember hearing a car braking next to her. Then everything was blurry. Everything went black. She didn’t know how long she was out, but she awoken in darkness. She could not see, could not hear, and could not move. She wondered if she had died. Was she in her grave.

The kidnapping went out as planned. The gang gathered in the dusty room, which is their base. Shiela sat at a corner, bound, blindfolded, gagged, and confused.

Tuah ordered all to gather around. The men were excited and nervous. They were clutching their weapons. Some were constantly looking at the window, expecting to be shot down by police.

“This is only the first part. Relax, we’ll be ok if we follow a few rules,” Tuah lighted a cigarette and took in a few puffs.”We have to rules to make sure this goes right.” Tuah offered a cigarette to Malik. Malik took the cigarette but did not light it.

“The first rule: There have to be 3 people in this house at any time. Second rule: Anyone leaving here must be accompanied by another person. Third rule: There will always be one person to watch the girl at all times. Is that understood?”

The men were quiet and nervous.

“Is that understood!?” said Tuah.

“yes sir,” said the men.

Tuah ordered Malik to put Shiela in another room. Malik obediently dragged Shiela to the room. After he closed the door behind him, Malik careful inspect the room for any way to escape.  All the windows have been grilled and covered with wooden planks. Malik put Sheila on a mattress inside the room. He removed one of her ear plugs.

“Don’t worry, you’re not going to get hurt. I’m a friend” he put the ear plug back.

Tuah ordered Malik to buy some food. He instructed to take one guy with him. Malik picked Kudin. Kudin was a scrawny guy. His main addiction is those illegal gambling machines. Malik managed to persuade the naïve Kudin to spend some time at the illegal gambling machines while Malik go elsewhere, against the rules made by Tuah they split up. Criminals, it seems, do not like following rules.

Malik parked the car at the university. From his bag he produced a white lab coat. He got out of the car and wore the lab coat, covering the tattoos, scars, and knee ripped jeans. He opened the dashboard compartment to reveal .45 pistol revolver. Carefully he put the revolver in his bag and zipped it up. Shouldering his bag he headed towards the academic building.

 “Sir,” Malik heard someone called him. He turned around to see one of his students.

Story Critique Project : Protector

Title: Protector
Genre: Crime, Drama, Action , Suspense
Language: English

Sheila woke up in bed staring at the ceiling. It was calm and quiet in the 10-year old girl’s bedroom, and it was still dark outside. She hugged her stuffed teddy bear while thinking.

“I had a bad dream,” she said to the inanimate teddy bear.

Sheila ate breakfast alone at the dining table, dressed for school, in her colorful yellow blue private school uniform, attenuated by her ponytail red ribbon adorned hair. Syed went quickly past the table, ignoring his daughter, while he was fixing his tie. Nadia, in full makeup, went quickly past the table. Shiela looked at both her parents as they go back and forth. Shiela could not eat, and just rescrambled the scrambled eggs in front of her with her fork and spoon again and again.

“Mama,” said Sheila as if to say something, but stopped, reluctant to disturb her busy parents with Sheila’s own problems.

“What! Come on, hurry up and finish, Sheila, I have to be early today,” Nadia in an annoyed tone.

Sheila just nodded.

In class, she seemed nervous, unable to concentrate on the presentation.

“Sheila,” said her teacher, startling the distant Shiela. “can you go next.”

Sheila nervously stood and walked towards the front of the class. She turned on the laptop and projector to show a slide.

“I and my family went to Paris.” She said trying to calm her shaking hand. The teacher smiled encouragingly. Her friends looked on excitedly, whispering and chattering.

On the screen there is a picture of Sheila being tightly hugged by her mother and father with big happy smiles, with the unfocused Eiffel tower in the background.

Shotgun, pistols, revolvers, rifles, machete, knives and bullets were strewn everywhere on the table in the dark and dusty room. Smoke and from cigarette and marijuana filled the room lighted by a single yellow light bulb. Metal sounds clanked from bullets and guns, inaudible profanities. Tuah filled bullets in his revolver one by one, cocked, and uncocked, then put his revolver in his holster. Men in the shadows put bullets in pistol magazine clips. Tuah signal the others in the gang to gather around the table.

“Get ready, guys,” said Tuah the leader with a cigarette in one hand and his revolver in the other. The men claded in black shirts paid attention. “We’re are going to be really rich,”

Standing next to Tuah is Malik. At 100kg, wrestler’s body, Malik seems intimidating. Wearing sleeveless showing humongous arms and biceps that looked it could burst decorated with tatoos and scars all over his arms.

“Guns, sir?” asked Malik. Tuah picked up a rifle in his muscular arms glistening with sweat.

“I don’t think a 10 ten year old girl will be carrying a gun,” said Tuah, which is followed by a nervous laughter of his men.

“but, for someone who is rich enough to afford bodyguards, we have to be careful.” Tuah cocked the rifle.

The team with their gears walked out of the room, and outside the building, heading towards their vehicles. Tuah gave the signal with his hand and two men went on two different motorcycles. Tuah and Malik went in a car. They all went in separate directions, with rushing speed, followed scream of motorcycle engines. One of the men on motorcycle stopped outside a building next to a brand new BMW. While still wearing helmet with dark visor on, he produced a rusted nail from his bag.

Meanwhile in a white proton iswara outside the school, but a bit further away, Tuah and Malik sat and waited.

“Is it done?” Tuah called.”Get out of there, were going in,” He then hung up. Tuah looked at his watch.

Tuah and Malik saw Sheila went out of the school. The car starts…