Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Story Critique Project : Protector

Title: Protector
Genre: Crime, Drama, Action , Suspense
Language: English

Sheila woke up in bed staring at the ceiling. It was calm and quiet in the 10-year old girl’s bedroom, and it was still dark outside. She hugged her stuffed teddy bear while thinking.
“I had a bad dream,” she said to the inanimate teddy bear.
Sheila ate breakfast alone at the dining table, dressed for school, in her colorful yellow blue private school uniform, attenuated by her ponytail red ribbon adorned hair. Syed went quickly past the table, ignoring his daughter, while he was fixing his tie. Nadia, in full makeup, went quickly past the table. Shiela looked at both her parents as they go back and forth. Shiela could not eat, and just rescrambled the scrambled eggs in front of her with her fork and spoon again and again.
“Mama,” said Sheila as if to say something, but stopped, reluctant to disturb her busy parents with Sheila’s own problems.
“What! Come on, hurry up and finish, Sheila, I have to be early today,” Nadia in an annoyed tone.
Sheila just nodded.
In class, she seemed nervous, unable to concentrate on the presentation.
“Sheila,” said her teacher, startling the distant Shiela. “can you go next.”
Sheila nervously stood and walked towards the front of the class. She turned on the laptop and projector to show a slide.
“I and my family went to Paris.” She said trying to calm her shaking hand. The teacher smiled encouragingly. Her friends looked on excitedly, whispering and chattering.
On the screen there is a picture of Sheila being tightly hugged by her mother and father with big happy smiles, with the unfocused Eiffel tower in the background.
Shotgun, pistols, revolvers, rifles, machete, knives and bullets were strewn everywhere on the table in the dark and dusty room. Smoke and from cigarette and marijuana filled the room lighted by a single yellow light bulb. Metal sounds clanked from bullets and guns, inaudible profanities. Tuah filled bullets in his revolver one by one, cocked, and uncocked, then put his revolver in his holster. Men in the shadows put bullets in pistol magazine clips. Tuah signal the others in the gang to gather around the table.
“Get ready, guys,” said Tuah the leader with a cigarette in one hand and his revolver in the other. The men claded in black shirts paid attention. “We’re are going to be really rich,”
Standing next to Tuah is Malik. At 100kg, wrestler’s body, Malik seems intimidating. Wearing sleeveless showing humongous arms and biceps that looked it could burst decorated with tatoos and scars all over his arms.
“Guns, sir?” asked Malik. Tuah picked up a rifle in his muscular arms glistening with sweat.
“I don’t think a 10 ten year old girl will be carrying a gun,” said Tuah, which is followed by a nervous laughter of his men.
“but, for someone who is rich enough to afford bodyguards, we have to be careful.” Tuah cocked the rifle.
The team with their gears walked out of the room, and outside the building, heading towards their vehicles. Tuah gave the signal with his hand and two men went on two different motorcycles. Tuah and Malik went in a car. They all went in separate directions, with rushing speed, followed scream of motorcycle engines. One of the men on motorcycle stopped outside a building next to a brand new BMW. While still wearing helmet with dark visor on, he produced a rusted nail from his bag.
Meanwhile in a white proton iswara outside the school, but a bit further away, Tuah and Malik sat and waited.
“Is it done?” Tuah called.”Get out of there, were going in,” He then hung up. Tuah looked at his watch.
Tuah and Malik saw Sheila went out of the school. The car starts…

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